Commentary by H.G. Listiak

Tuesday 2/3/2004

Welcome to My World, where Jeff Foxworthy, an aquaintance and one of my favorite comedians, has helped millions of Americans establish their identity, letting them know whether they might be a redneck. But what about establishing if you might not be a redneck? Never fear, I am here. You might not be a redneck if your wife is old enough to vote, if your only boots have zippers, and if your belt buckle is smaller than your fist, or if you have ever gotten drunk on dessert. You might not be a redneck if your Wranglers are comfortable or if you know the difference between a pocket calculator and a computer. If you can figure out a cell phone, if you can spell psychic, then pronounce it, you might not be a redneck. If you know if you're a liberal or conservative, if you own an SUV with clean tires, or if you've fired more people than guns, you might not be a redneck. If you have never set off the alarm at the airport, or if you pour water out of a pitcher instead of hanging it on the wall, or if you have ever paid your alimoney on time, you might not be a redneck. If you have ever worked out, know what is and isn't politically correct, or never used the f-word as a term of endearment, you might not be a redneck. If you understand the words in rap music, a political speech, or wedding vows, you might not be a redneck. If your socks match, and you think tennis is a sport, or if your laptop is more than a TV tray, you might not be a redneck. If you worry about the American economy while driving a foreign car, or if you think a bud is a baby rose, or a long neck is a giraffe, you might not be a redneck. And if you only try to vote once per election, and if your portfolio is more than your tax refund, you might not be a redneck, as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.