Commentary by H.G. Listiak

Thursday 1/22/2004

Welcome to my world, where as waistlines expand, so do the different diets. We've got all kinds of supplements that help you shed the pounds, only to find out that the side effects will make you nervous, irritable, sleepless, and severely sexually unaroused. We've got books full of carb and calorie counting helping you shrink up like cotton in a dryer. Probably the most famous diet is the Atkins diet, named for Dr. Robert Atkins, now dead, who gave us carnivore humans a psychological boost when he opened the doors to the meat lockers, saying we could lose weight while still gobbling up fat, eggs, and especially steak, some call it red meat, but I turn it brown when I cook it, at least a little. The Atkins diet, widely known as the one that lets you eat all the meat you want, I mean, you can do a 16 ounce porterhouse then gnaw the fat off the bone, may be undergoing a change, a transformation. You see, now that the Atkins diet planners are facing stiff competition from other low carb diets, they are backing off. They are now pushing fish and chicken more and steak and fat a lot less. This has many Atkins dieters around the country confused and shocked, and off their feed, which is also a good way to lose weight and head down the road to anorexia. Ah, but do not be troubled. I have the answer and it's not bulemia. I call it my gastro paranoia diet. You start by reading all the labels on foods, then you worry with every bite you take. Then worry some more when you push away from the table. You eat three squares and worry about it three times a day. If you can, take time out in your day to worry and read labels. Try to avoid anti-depressants, since they will interfere with our ability to worry, as you watch your flesh slowly melt into mere skeletal remains. Caution: The gastro paranoia diet is not for those with high blood pressure or low blood pressure, allergies, renal or heart or circulation problems, or those who are pregnant, about to become pregnant, or those who just want to be pregnant. Use only as directed, as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.