Commentary by H.G. Listiak

Wednesday 1/7/2004

Welcome to my world. A lot of New Year's resolutions were made last week with statistics showing most of them dealing with personal health. To make things easier on you, I've got some good news for you bad habits with off the wall, feel better research easing your mind as you kill yourself. Giving up caffiene? Researchers at Harvard say that men who drank four to five cups of coffee a day cut their risk of developing parkinsons in half. Giving up the smokes? Researchers at Duke say nicotine quells anxiety and boosts concentration helping disorders like alzheimers, schizophrenia, attention deficit and ulcerative colitis. Trying to dress better at work? New York ear and eye infirmary researchers found that tight ties increase the blood pressure behind the eyes, a factor in glaucoma. Giving up foods like pizza? Italian researchers report two or three pizzas a week lower you risk of colon, esophagus, and mouth cancer. Are you resolving to keep your house cleaner? An old report in the New England Journal of Medicine says your home could be too clean, putting your children at risk for asthma, allergies, and other auto-immune diseases. Catching up on yard work? Stockholm University in Sweden claims that chainsaw, leaf blower, and lawnmower exhaust contains high levels of carcinogenic chemicals when mixed with fresh cut grass. If you plan to become a workout freak, the Jounal of Behavioral Neuroscience says exercise can become more addictive than morphine or cocaine. Giving up sweets? Harvard teams say eating chocolate in moderation may ward off heart disease, with dark chocolate actually lowering your bad cholesterol. And if you plan to stay out of the sun, a physicist at Langely, Virginia, says sun screens and staying in the shade contribute to Vitamin D deficiency. Now since I'm all confused about giving up stuff under the guise of resolutions, I'll basically try to stay healthy in 2004 by not running my car into a truck, by steering clear of liberals and the ACLU, by ducking when someone yells "fore" on the golf course, and by unloading Diane's weapon when PMS rolls around, as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.