Commentary by H.G. Listiak
Facts from the Phantom Faxster
Welcome to my world, where a while back I shared some tongue in cheek ironies faxed to me by an unknown entity who I regard as twisted as I am. I offered parts one and two of his presentation and now, as promised, part three, actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping (and that's the only time I have to do my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner, no purchase necessary, details inside (is this the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions - Use like regular soap (and that would be how?)
On Marks and Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating (and you thought?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body (but wouldn't it save time?)
On Boots children's cough medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication (we could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we could just get 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning, may cause drowsiness (and I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of christmas lights: For indoor and outdoor use only (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use (someone help me here, I'm really curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: Warning contains nuts (talk about a news flash.)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly (don't blame the company, blame the parents.)
And finally, on the label of a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals (was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Once again, my thanks to the phantom faxster, whoever you are. Don't forget your Prozac, and I'll see you in therapy, as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.